It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
