it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
