i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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