Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize