Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
