Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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