Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Everything about him screamed your future.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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