Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Randomize
