I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
