so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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