party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
