You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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