Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
