Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
there is puke in my bra ... again
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