my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
