Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Randomize
