My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
