Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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