When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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