ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
