I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
