Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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