grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
