When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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