the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
