You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
