Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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