I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
found the other keg... it's in the tree
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Randomize
