Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
