Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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