I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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