Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
