You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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