it was like having sex with a tree stump
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
