I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
