Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
