I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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