There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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