haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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