I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Why did my mother make you get naked?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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