Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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