Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
