is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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