it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
