I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
She's better-looking with the mask on.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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