I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize