Plan B is the new Plan A
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
