I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
