god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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