Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
