you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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