seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
