My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
