You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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