I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize