I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
