In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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