the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
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