First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Randomize
