i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
