If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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