She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
My day in three words: secret purse cake
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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